Matriculation Confession : My Mental Health, having my suicidal thoughts

Hello I just started studying at KMK this year and I could say that since I was in school, my mental health was already at the bottom of the pit. I dont talk about it with my family because I just dont have that kind of chemistry bonding with them emotionally. I’ve been having my suicidal thoughts for almost 5 years. Since Im a devoted muslim, I really dont want to kill myself. But the thing is I do self-harm. I stopped last year but when I get to KMK, I realized that my mental health started to get worse and I started to self-harm again even though I did promise to my best friend that I’m not going to do it anymore. I dont cut my wrist. I just cut my thighs since no one can see the scars. I hate myself. I always isolate myself from the others because Im so scared of people. I tried to find emotional support through having a relationship with someone but it ended up making me feel worse. My ex was very abusive and it took a year for me to have a courage to leave him. I tried to be positive about myself but seems that I can’t. I dont think I have depression since I never have an official diagnosis from the doctor plus I usually feel empty, hopeless and lack of motivation. I do feel happy when I laugh but it will turn into a giant hollowness inside me once I realise that there’s no point to feel happy anymore. But hey, Im looking forward to receive a proper treatment. Im afraid and anxious to tell about it with any adults. I mean I did try to open up with a teacher back in school, but it ended up where she said that Im making my problems like they are such a big deal even though they could be overcome easily. I felt so betrayed and I felt that maybe I am such a wimp. I dont know how to live like this. I tried to have friends. Tried to cherish them and tried my best to support them even financially. But last 2 weeks one of them said that Im nothing but such a selfish person who never appreciates friendship. After they said those mean things, they asked me if Im going to tell my mom about it as if Im a crybaby. I dont know what did I do wrong. I know that I’ve tried my best as a friend and a girlfriend but it’s never enough. I tried to contact Befrienders because I felt so lonely but they never picked up. I self-harm again because I felt so worthless. I also tended to tell my friends about my ‘depression’ but in a joking manners. I dont know if they ever pick up the hint or they just dont care. I do want to tell my mom about what I feel for the past 5 years but my inner thoughts say that I shouldn’t because Im going to make her feel sad and disappointed. I hate myself. I want to end everything once and for all. Thank you if you’re reading till this part. I appreciate it.