okay, hai. first, sorry sgt sbb confession ni pjg and personal sgt. just, dh simpan bnda ni dlm hati lama sgt sampai rasa sakit gila. ok so, basically nk cerita knpa aku ni "bermasalah sgt" kt matrik. aku dh serik nk luah kt sapa-ii sbb orng selalu ckp aku ni attention seeker la, nak simpati la, kurang kasih syg la. hakikatnya mmg btl, aku kurang kasih syg. aku dibesarkan dlm family yg kecik je. tp even so, hubungan aku dgn family aku mmg teruk. mak kandung aku prnh doa aku arwah ayah aku bwk aku dlm kereta time dia accident. got it? my mom wished me dead. growing up, aku x prnh btl-ii rasa happy. my family never thinks im good enough. never. also aku x blh gain weight lgsg sbb mak aku bnci orng gemuk. my grandfather prnh terajang aku. terajang btl-ii kt muka aku. then waktu aku 13 atau 14 thn, aku dibawa ke psychologist dan diagnosis mendapati aku ada severe depression and anxiety, along with suicidal thoughts. tp xdak sapa tlg aku hadapi semua tu. God, I was so young and i have to battle my mental illnesses alone! when I reached out for help from my friends and teachers, diorang smua ckp aku gila. depressed=gila. aku cut lengan and skin aku many times sbb aku xtau mcmana nk handle pain aku. i was too young to understand anything! dkt sch menengah aku selalu timbulkan masalah. smua orng palau aku. but i just needed help :( i just needed someone to love me bcs my family couldn't :( alright, skip to matriks. dlm UPU, aku letak matriks ni pilihan terakhir sbb aku x minat science math. aku minat TESL, dan aku mmg pndai English. tp guess what? aku dpt matriks. :( down weh. matriks dh la tmpat utk bdk pndai. aku pn mcm, ok. tp dh masuk baru aku btl-ii sedar aku x leh push myself utk bwk subjek-ii kt sini. really, aku bodo math science. aku makin stres and spend my days and nights sleeping , crying. my roommates thought aku pemalas but i never told them abt my mental health. kt matrik, anxiety and depression aku makin teruk. terutamanya sbb students ramai sgt and aku x blh handle being in crowded place. aku mengasingkan diri drpd smua orng sbb aku takut nk handle pain of losing friends. aku dh hilang ramai kwn sbb mental illnesses aku. baru-ii ni, kwn paling rapat aku, benci aku sbb aku bocorkan rahsia dia. yes, mmg salah aku. aku x tau knpa aku mcm ni 😭 aku ambik pills everyday supaya aku x kna anxiety attack / panic attack dpn semua orng. attack mmg memalukan 😔 bila pills habis, aku ambik ubat random. painkillers, overdosed vitamin D3. it doesnt help but at least bila aku high on ubat, aku x kn mental breakdown dpn anyone and so aku x kan menyusahkan orng. pjg sgt dh ni. actually byk lg nk cerita but hm. also jgn risau pasal aku, aku ok :) p/s: TLG TLG TLG JGN BGTAU LIFE AKU MCMNI SBB AKU JAUH DRPD RAHMAT ALLAH, AKU KETUK KO STGI. tlg jgn kaitkan masalah mental aku dgn agama 😭 even aku solat fardhu, solat sunat and baca Quran, berdoa, berzikir hari-ii pn aku still mcm ni. hm. -e-okay,
😭 tabah la
ReplyDeleteIg?
ReplyDeleteSambunglh
ReplyDeletestay strong!
ReplyDeletei've been diagnosed with dysthymia and major depression disorder. so i know exactly how you feel. some of my matrik teachers are very judgemental. i had to attend therapy almost every week because mental health was getting unstable back then, but i refuse to stay at the hospital so nak like ulang alik every week. the teachers said i tak datang their classes because i malas hahaha. at first i tahan ja senyap lama lama tu i lawan balik lol i said my mental health jadi worst because they kept perli me in the class huu. then diorang stop huhu. so maybe you need to talk back once in awhile, since you already have proves from the hospital. struggling alone susah. tell someone about your problem, just the basics je, not everything, at least they know lah you're having a hard time. about my matrik friends, they're not helping pun but for me it's not a big deal since i'm used to being alone. plus i already received my treatment from psychiatrist and counsellor, that's like more than enough for me.
ReplyDeletei've been diagnosed with dysthymia and major depression disorder. so i know exactly how you feel. some of my matrik teachers are very judgemental. i had to attend therapy almost every week because mental health was getting unstable back then, but i refuse to stay at the hospital so nak like ulang alik every week. the teachers said i tak datang their classes because i malas hahaha. at first i tahan ja senyap lama lama tu i lawan balik lol i said my mental health jadi worst because they kept perli me in the class huu. then diorang stop huhu. so maybe you need to talk back once in awhile, since you already have proves from the hospital. struggling alone susah. tell someone about your problem, just the basics je, not everything, at least they know lah you're having a hard time. about my matrik friends, they're not helping pun but for me it's not a big deal since i'm used to being alone. plus i already received my treatment from psychiatrist and counsellor, that's like more than enough for me.
ReplyDeleteHey just want u to know there are someone who willing to be your friend. I know its have been really hard for you. I believe you can endure through this and a bright future is ahead of you. Keep your head high and don't downgrade yourself. You're precious.
ReplyDeleteKalau nak luah or anything, i can lend both of my ears <3
ReplyDelete